I seem to be falling into a cycle of either having fun and adventures or wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life. After a month in Tucson without finding meaningful employment I’m getting rather anxious and stressed about finances. I’ve been entertaining myself with lots of hard training and making new friends but the training will be for nought if I can’t afford to race as planned. And the new friends are great but when you’re having an existential crisis it’s really more helpful to be with people who’ve known you through many seasons and aren’t scared off by emotional overreactions.
Standing in the middle of one of said friend’s living rooms literally wondering what to do with myself I opted to sit down and write to hopefully avoid bursting into tears. My body needed an unload week from all the heavy riding but as my fellow endurance athletes can attest, there is nothing more traumatizing than a week with minimal workouts, especially when life is a little rocky. There are only so many non-workout, non-job related tasks to be done before total stupor sets in. I worked on my taxes, I changed my phone plan, I closed a bank account, I washed the car, all the laundry, tons of dishes, I cooked, I baked, I grocery shopped, I mailed packages, I paid all my bills, I organized the closet, I tried to clean the bathroom but supplies were lacking. It actually caused a spat with the friend whose bathroom I was trying to clean!
And it’s only 2pm.
Now I’m counting the minutes til I get to go to yoga and do something “productive.” Reading a book won’t do. Television isn’t holding my attention. If I don’t get some endorphins flowing soon I will resort to that bag of Reese’s Easter Eggs I definitely did not buy with the bananas, avocados and wine…