Running Away is Harder than it Seems

Seriously. The To Do list never ends! Shirking the responsibilities of home ownership is actually quite a challenge. Selling the house was the easy part! Negotiating the repairs requested from the inspection was annoying but the canceling of services and subscriptions and changing my address on EVERYTHING (and then some!) is so time consuming! Scheduling movers was easy but sorting through all my stuff keeps me up at night (literally, compounded by daylight savings time change and I was up separating out my travel clothes at 3am!). I thought the weeks I spent making the To Do list before I actually quit my job would make the process easier but now that list has morphed into a series of lists for pre-sale, post-sale, travel related, financial related, etc. I have to believe that 3 months of insomnia and purging and endless phone calls will all be worth it when I recline those 2 inches in my economy seat crossing the Atlantic for 2 months of international adventures (and whatever comes after that). So I do what I can each day, prioritizing things like new health insurance and an international data plan, and replacing what used to be essential workouts with walks with friends. After gaining some stress weight and driving myself crazy trying to fit it all in, I realized I was missing the point of this whole journey: to enjoy the process, to learn and adjust, to roll with it. Sit down with a cup of hot tea (I’m trying to become a tea person) and a friend or a book or a stranger or a pretty sunset, and just take in the moment, be in the moment. I’m already discovering that plans are meaningless because life happens, things pop up, circumstances change.

Two pretty serious things have come up in the last few weeks that have made me question leaving at all. Or cutting it short. But at least for now, I am trusting that both situations will be fine (in the Lord’s more than capable hands) in my absence and I’ll be a better person when I return and a better partner in those relationships. A big part of why I decided to run off was because I didn’t feel like anything was really keeping me in Charlotte and now there are strong reasons to stay. Life is a series of choices. There are a lot that I’d like do-overs on. But that’s not the way it works. And I have to stop regretting and feeling guilty and just start making better choices. Sometimes those choices feel selfish but I am learning that I cannot be who I’m meant to be or do what I’m meant to do if I don’t spend some time working on myself.

I’m reading Mark Batterson’s All In and this morning I read “The only way to predict the future is to create it. You don’t let it happen. You make it happen… Stop regretting the past and start learning from it. Let go of guilt by leaning into God’s grace… God wants to reconcile your past by redeeming it.”

I certainly can’t be everything to everyone but I can’t be anything to anyone if I don’t follow through on this journey. As as I suspected, it would change a lot along the way. I wanted it to, in response to relationships and circumstances and blessings. I’m super excited about some recent developments and scared $hitless by others. One day at a time is all I can do. Lucky for me, this week has been pretty great. Sunday I finished one of my favorite races feeling good and got to celebrate friends’ accomplishments. Yesterday I got to take a walk in the sunshine with my dear friend who is now thankfully home from the hospital. And today, I got to play with my nephew in his sandbox and read stories to my drool covered niece. Life is good.

Life is very good.