I felt better after posting last night and rolled over to try and sleep. Then my phone dinged and it was a friend reaching out with virtual hugs. I quickly realized that by tweeting a link I also posted it to Facebook and my west coast friends were still in prime time and started responding pretty quickly. After a brief panic I decided to leave it up. I mean whoever is going to take the time to read it probably knows me well enough to respect my emotions. I coughed and tossed and turned for several hours till I finally got some sleep and awoke to a few more surprising messages from my east coast friends. It was exactly what I needed as I wade through this decision making process. I spent many more hours staring at the computer, writing a cover letter, emailing potential landlords, calling RV storage places. But by the time we sat down for dinner, I had pretty much decided that returning to cubicle life, even just for a few months, was not a good option for so many reasons. It felt like a retreat, a loss, a failure. The encouragement of friends, and some time spent filling my “gratitude” jar, brought me to a place of compromise. It’s a work in progress but I’m hopeful that we’ll continue to communicate and create space for one another to be our best selves.
It’s funny how I can feel like I’m so in touch with myself and at the same time be completely unaware of why I’m deteriorating at a perilous rate. All of a sudden I’m reminded of an extended exercise from a grad school coaching class. We organized into groups of 3 and identified one person in the group to be our sandpaper and one to be our blanket. Obviously the sandpaper was there to ask the tough questions and rub you a little raw, exposing some issues that might need some attention. The blanket was the safe nurturing cozy supporter. I haven’t had any sandpaper in my life for a while but I need it. It’s time to get serious, so I can escape this holding pattern and make some progress. It’s time I make some adjustments to be a better partner, a better person, a better me. It’s time I apply some of the discipline I use in academics and sports to refining my heart and attitude. Maybe then I’ll have some clarity of purpose.